you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
