i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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