franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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