Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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