i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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