That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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