My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
