Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
