Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
