so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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