The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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