I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
