Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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