you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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