Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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