I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
