My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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