Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
