If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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