onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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