I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
