you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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