If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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