my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
