So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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