so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
