There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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