i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
