I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
