I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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