Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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