Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
