Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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