so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
