whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
