Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
