it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
