Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
