i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
