At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can you bring me the toilet please
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
