i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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