It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
