dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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