2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize