I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize