I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My ass is underappreciated
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
