1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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