k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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