Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
