we have officially lost it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
