forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Two words: nipple clamps
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