My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
