i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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