i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
