mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
